MsWriteNow

In a recent, or maybe not so recent episode of the Oprah show, teen sex behavior was highlighted. Apparently, O magazine teamed to together with Seventeen magazine to do a large survey on teenagers and sexual behavior. The results, according to the show were rather startling.

To put things in perspective, when I was a teenager the bases of sex were as follows: 1st base - holding hands, 2nd base - kissing, 3rd base - heavy petting, making out, with 4th base being full on intercourse.  Gone are the days of sweet innocence of moving slowly. According to the survey, teens are moving fast-forward around the bases, and introducing sexual practices that many of us adults didn’t experience until well into adulthood, and often times after years of being in a committed relationship or marriage.  Oral sex. Yes, that’s right - teens are engaging in oral sex not only frequently, but very early on in their relationships. In fact, according to the survey, oral sex takes place before a relationship is even established.

According to the information on the show, oral sex between teens happens casually and begins in middle school. Teens spoke about how it was common for girls to perform oral sex on guys in the school bathrooms, or anywhere else - even if they weren’t in a relationship with the guy. The teens pointed out that when a girl likes a guy, they are willing to do the oral sex as way to keep the communication and attention of the guy. Apparently, in their minds, oral sex is not a big thing.

After watching the show, I started to think about the teens that I have in my life. I look back at my daughter’s years in middle school and I shudder to think about those kids - only 11-14 years old, having oral sex. I questioned my daughter about this and she did disagree that takes place with such prominence as the survey results show - but did admit to knowing about a few kids in middle school have sex; the details (oral or intercourse) were not known.

I wonder how connected we are, as parents, with our teens sexuality and sexual behavior. I had the “sex talk” with my daughter when she was entering middle school and even then, as a parent, I felt maybe that was too early. After watching the Oprah show - I am thinking maybe I did not have the talk early enough.  I am convinced that the sex talk should happen early, very early and be an ongoing conversation through-out life.

Dr. Laura Berman made a good point by stating that we are born into this world as sexual beings. As we watch our babies grow, they are constantly exploring thier bodies and somewhere along the way, we establish rules and guidelines on appropriate sexual behavior. I tend to think that without realizing it, we are suppressing our children’s natural bodily processes when we start discouraging their self-exploration or to put it bluntly - masturbation. Not only do we discourage this behavior, but we don’t even talk about it to our children. It then gets interpreted as being unnatural and often times seen as “bad behavior”.

If we start talking to our children about their self pleasure while they are very young, maybe we wouldn’t have some of the social issues that run so prominently in our society. I can’t help but think that teen pregnancy rates would be down, as well as the spread of STDs.  Not only that, but it seems feasible to consider that if we approached sex and masturabation, early on and addressed it as completely natural experiences and functions, that the divorce rate in our nation may decrease. Marriages might not be established at such a young age - because the feelings of love would not be confused with the feelings of sexual attraction. Also, teen abstinence may increase because of the ability to fulfill their own sexual needs.

Another thing that has crossed my mind is the safety. Are our teens having oral sex unprotected? Many parents are reluctant to buy condoms for their teens, as they feel that simply purchasing the condoms are giving the go-ahead to have sex. My thought, teens are going to have sex whether you buy the condoms or  not. Wouldn’t it be better to make sure you teen has access to condoms, then to find out they had unprotected sex and contracted a disease or became pregnant?

I understand the moral implications and even religious beliefs behind teen and premarital sex. But I think it is important, as a parent, that you do everything in your power to inform and protect your teen when it comes to sex. It doesn’t matter if you are a deeply religious family and premarital sex is considered a sin. If your teen wants to have sex, they will.  You can tell them over and over again that it is considered sin and wrong, but if they have it in their mind that they are invincible (which most teens do) they will take that chance.

So, what do we do as parents? As I’ve stated before, it does not matter what your beliefs are. If you have raised your child consistently with those beliefs, having the sex talk will not erase those beliefs from your child - it will simply give them more information.

Here are some dos and don’ts for talking about sex with your youngster:

• Do be open to any questions they may have about sex.
• Don’t present the sex talk as a heavy topic, but more of a matter-of-fact, “this is how it works” topic.
• Do talk about oral sex, what it is and the importance of using condoms.
• Don’t bypass any questions simply because you may not have the answers - use that as an opportunity to find the answers and learn more about it.
• Don’t condemn your teen for having sexual thought or even behavior - it will only cause them to close up on you and withdraw.
• Do have the conversation before middle school.

There are so many factors to consider when you have the sex talk with your child. The key is to figure out how to talk about it in a way that opens them up for questions. Arming your child with information is the best way to protect, and also gives them the ability to make a decision on their sexual behavior based on the facts, rather than what they have picked up on the streets, in the media or at school.

Don’t you agree, it is better to have information when making big decisions, then it is to make a decision based on pressure or feelings alone?

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