Sep 08 2009
Weeding Your Friendship Garden - Day 21/30
As I’ve navigated through my life, I’ve discovered - and I think you’ll agree - that friendship is very important. In fact, studies have shown that having friends may increase your longevity. Personally, I tend to have a small circle of friends, and an even smaller circle of close friends. I’ve always been that way and for me it works. I tend to think that it’s not the number of friends, but the quality that matters.
So, how do you determine quality? The definition of a quality friend may be somewhat relative, as I think the level of quality that you choose is in direction relation to where you are at emotionally. In other words, friends and the people we spend time with, often are mirrors to our own self. For example, confident people will often have confident friends. It’s like that saying, “Water seeks its own level.”
As we grow, we sometimes outgrow our friends. It doesn’t mean that we are superior or self-centered, it simply means that we have grown to a level that our friends are not at. And when friends drift away from us, it is usually for the same reason - they are at a different level in their life. Sometimes though, we hold on to those friendships because of familiarity, loyalty and love.
Judging by the title of this post, I bet you are thinking I’m about to tell you to get rid of the friends you are no longer on the same level with. Well, that’s not entirely true. What I am going to tell you is to take a close look at the friends you have in your life, especially those you have regular contact with. Do they say positive things about who you are and where you are at this moment in time? Or do they say negative things that highlight the insecurities you are facing? When you talk to them, do they lift you up or pull you down?
If you have a friend that isn’t encouraging, uplifting, or supportive, it may be time to weed them out of your garden. This is a hard thing to do. History, emotions, family connections - they all will mostly likely have something to do with the friendship and often times, losing a friend can be worse than a breakup. But it doesn’t have to be, if you do it gradually. Here’s what I do, when I think maybe it’s time to let a friendship go.
First, I reflect on whether or not they interact with me on the same level of respect and support that I am interacting with them on. If they are, then I need to determine why I’m not feeling the friendship - maybe it’s due to different phases of our lives (raising babies vs. single-hood) or maybe our interests have changed. Friendships eventually dwindle down to acquaintances in such cases, and that happens simply by being active in our own lives. This type of an ending is natural and usually easy - as both people typically realize the same thing.
On the other hand, if after looking at the friendship, I do see a difference in the interactions, something will need to change. Allow me to clarify by interactions: Simply put, how they talk and communicate with you - regardless of whether it is verbal, nonverbal, or written. When I see a difference in the interaction, I will try to talk to my friend about it in a non-blaming way. I will point out the difference and then tell them how it makes me feel. Sometimes the friend will not realize that they are doing this and apologize.
After talking to them, I see if their behavior has changed, and if it has, then I would consider that friendship to be blooming. If the behavior hasn’t changed though, then I stand my ground on how I want to be treated. For example, if my friend starts talking to me or picking on me in a way that makes me feel not so great about myself, I simply excuse myself from the conversation. If they need an explanation, I tell them why by simply stating something like, “I don’t feel like being picked on or degraded.” Then, I wish them well. I don’t pick a fight, I don’t point out their faults, I simply own my feelings and stand up for them.
We all mistakes and our friends are no different. So, it’s important to state that at this point I do not weed that friend out completely, but I do wait to see what happens. If they start on with the negative, I end the conversation. It is important that once you have stated what you will not tolerate, that you stick to it and stand up for yourself, otherwise the message you are trying to convey will not have an impact. If it happens again, and they just don’t seem to be getting it, I simply start limiting my interactions with them to the point that they eventually become an acquaintance. This approach cuts out the drama and (hopefully) helps you both see that you have grown apart.
Life is hard enough and change, particularly unwanted change, is very trying. Our self-esteem needs all the positivity we can get when we are in a process of big life changes. Surround yourself with positive friends and limit your interactions with friends who are not uplifting and supportive - it just makes things easier. It just makes sense, don’t you agree?
